What am I supposed to do?

Once more in the dead of the night, I keep my eyes open and my mind clear.
My enthusiasm is gone, my feelings and my soul, which is quite severe...
My life is a cycle of repetition: alone, not alone, lonely and rejection
Only this time I don't feel upon me the one true gift, the one of creation.

I'm a fallen god or a fallen angel, if I might say,
And I know that I will forget once it turns to day.
I'm fucked up about this and tored up inside without measure,
That life has decided to take away this one last, true pleasure.

I look up to the sky and hope of heaven, or maybe even hell
And if I ever get my inspiration back, only time will tell.
For now I'm an empty shell, more than ever before,
Just patiently waiting for that one last time I close the door.

Unbowed, unbent, unbroken... I really love this motto and want to live by it
But how can I be unbowed when I bowed my head out of fear?
But how can I be unbent when I bent my principles just so that I can live?
And how can I be unbroken when I've never felt whole?

Cowardly and perverted,
Selfish and arrogant,
Impatient and rude,
Distructive and stupid.

That's just who I am,
But who the fuck are you?
I'm done.
Thank you, love you and be safe.

Signed, I don't give a fuck anymore.

PS: I'm fine, don't mind me, I'm just really drunk and fucked up about X's death. Just ignore this. Please.