sâmbătă, 30 iunie 2018

What am I supposed to do?

Once more in the dead of the night, I keep my eyes open and my mind clear.
My enthusiasm is gone, my feelings and my soul, which is quite severe...
My life is a cycle of repetition: alone, not alone, lonely and rejection
Only this time I don't feel upon me the one true gift, the one of creation.

I'm a fallen god or a fallen angel, if I might say,
And I know that I will forget once it turns to day.
I'm fucked up about this and tored up inside without measure,
That life has decided to take away this one last, true pleasure.

I look up to the sky and hope of heaven, or maybe even hell
And if I ever get my inspiration back, only time will tell.
For now I'm an empty shell, more than ever before,
Just patiently waiting for that one last time I close the door.

Unbowed, unbent, unbroken... I really love this motto and want to live by it
But how can I be unbowed when I bowed my head out of fear?
But how can I be unbent when I bent my principles just so that I can live?
And how can I be unbroken when I've never felt whole?

Cowardly and perverted,
Selfish and arrogant,
Impatient and rude,
Distructive and stupid.

That's just who I am,
But who the fuck are you?
I'm done.
Thank you, love you and be safe.

Signed, I don't give a fuck anymore.

PS: I'm fine, don't mind me, I'm just really drunk and fucked up about X's death. Just ignore this. Please.

duminică, 29 aprilie 2018


And I see that fucking light again, taunting me over and over
I thought it only appears when I'm drunk, but why sober?
And it fucking calls me towards it, ready to accept my entire being,
But why would I reach towards it, if I don't trust what I'm seeing?

Around me there's only darkness and I can live with it just fine,
Beacause regardless of what happens in it, it's nobody's but mine.
And I want to live in the light but fuck me, I'm really afraid,
But what if that's the way the world's biggest monster is made?

There are questions I ask myself constantly, that require no answers,
And there are answers for which I never asked, but there they are.

vineri, 23 martie 2018


Waiting for my crucifixition, in my constant terrible condition,
Laying in my sinner's position, begging for redemption,
Oh, for fuck's sake, I must torment myself a millenia for my thinking,
That's knowing that I can't erase my thoughts through drinking.

Whip my skin, break my bones, chain me, take my freedom,
And erase myself, even though that I wish for it seldom.
I wish for happiness for everyone else but me, fuck that.
I slam my self worth like nothing repeatedly on the mat.

I must find joy through something else, just like a sinner.
And I wish that my life was as tasty as my last dinner.

luni, 18 decembrie 2017


Daca o poza face cat o mie de cuvinte
Sper sa pot descrie cine sunt si ce am in minte:
Sunt impulsiv si incapatanat, semne de imaturitate,
Si am mii de ganduri in faras, de mult timp adunate.

Vreau ce nu pot avea, si iubesc si practic loialitatea,
Nu imi place sa fiu singur, dar stiu sa apreciez singuratatea.
Sunt dependent de muzica si tutun, dar si de adevar,
Iar in ce priveste intunericul, sunt un fin cunoscator.

Nu am incredere in nimeni, sunt inspamaintat de mine
Si vreau sa calatoresc, sa simt integral serenitate si fericire.
Nu vreau sa ranesc pe nimeni dar o fac adeseori,
Si desi realizez asta, imi cer iertare de prea putine ori.

Am o stare constanta de plictis si somnolenta
Si pot sa gasesc ratiune si motiv in orice, chiar si in violenta.
Sunt toxic cateodata si am mai si mintit din cand in cand,
Si somnul imi apare doar cu zborul ultimului gand.

Am ambitii multe, marete si mult prea diverse,
Si sper ca intr-o zi sa invat sa uit si sa trec peste.
In oglinda vad pe zi ce trece un barbat ce vrea sa fie baiat,
Un baiat ce intr-o zi o sa-si transforme visele in ceva adevarat.

miercuri, 13 decembrie 2017


What is a smile? And why does it exist?
It is to offer the heart a little pleasure it can't resist?
Or is it to shine light on eyes that forgot to laugh?
Or is it to make you think you haven't lived enough?

If life has any answers at all, I hope smiling is one
Because the light of it stays long after you're gone.
Tattooed beautifully in my eyes are the grins that kept me going,
And I'm grateful for each one, even if it's not showing.

So thank you, everyone, your smiles gave me strength,
Exactly how much I needed to go the full length.
So I'll smile for you, every time you need me to,
Because that's what I feel I owe to each one of you.

luni, 11 decembrie 2017


Fericire, satul de a ta absenta, azi iti scriu o scrisoare scurta
Plina de mazgaleli, pe o foita uzata, pe jumatate rupta.
Inca esti departe, au trecut ani de cand nu te-am mai vazut,
Ce s-a mai intamplat de cand nu ne-am intalnit, ai mai crescut?

Cumva, prin oarecare intamplare ne-am intalnit, dar nu te-am recunoscut?
Daca e asa, imi pare rau, sincer; hai sa o luam din nou de la inceput.
Nu ma mai introduc de data asta ca nu mai are niciun sens,
Doar stii ca sunt cel care incearca sa-si creeze propriul univers.

Azi, mi-am amintit de tine si am vrut sa te revad, sa te am aproape,
Sa nu mai trebuiasca sa iti gasesc imaginea sau amintirea sub pleoape.
Am nevoie de tine ca un pescar de undita intr-un lac plin de pesti,
Asa ca fericire, scuza-ma te rog iarasi, unde mortii ma-tii esti?

vineri, 10 noiembrie 2017


In apropierea momentelor in care, poate ma voi schimba pentru totdeauna,
In noaptea in care frigul imi intra in oase, am o dorinta, doar una,
Sa nu uit de unde am plecat,sa nu imi uit casa si sa nu imi uit drumul,
In lumea in care am intrat singur si am gasit prieteni, doar unul.

Si toate micile schimbari de vreme si de stare, in care ma pierd fara oprire,
As vrea sa dau la ziar, sa scriu cea dintai si din urma stire,
Ca m-am oprit din gandit, si din supragandit, si din supraestimat, si din subestimat,
Si in sfarsit mi-am dat seama ca tot timpul am fost supraapreciat.

Daca noaptea ar avea la fel de multe raspunsuri cum are dezamagiri ziua,
As renunta la durere si tristete, ca in copilarie, cu un naiv "piua".
Cumpar masina de timp, sa ma intorc in vremurile mele pure si simple
In zilele in care problemele ca nu aveam minge de fotbal pareau ample.

Urasc scoala si am repetat-o si am s-o repet cat o sa traiesc, acolo nu am gasit lumina,
Acolo mi-am pierdut rabdarea si am descoperit ca pot fi paria fara pedeapsa,
Iar cand voiam, ma intorceam in miezul problemei, recunoscandu-mi vina,
Si tot plecam si tot reveneam cand devenea durerea si negura mai aspra.

As vrea sa strig ajutor pentru prima oara, dar as fi mincinos si fara principii,
Pentru ca am strigat mut pentru ajutor din nou si din nou, inca de cand eram copii.
Dar un singur adevar am invatat, cat nu te ajuti tu, nimeni nu o sa vrea sa se apropie de tine,
Asa ca hai sa repet un singur raspuns viabil pentru orice intrebare despre mine: Sunt bine.